love is in the air - every place and everywhere....
seriously - one more week til vacation with my babies and I CAN"T WAIT - then I am taking my 7 year old daughter to her first concert - the Jonas Brothers LMAO - from trippin' face at the Allman Brothers to Jonas - whatever shall I do - reading Stieg Larsson - LOVIN HIM!!! I am on book two - the girl who played with fire - excellent - excellent - the first one was great - I'm lovin this one even more and then the third one with the hornets nests will be next - I am hooked - shame he kicked the bucket - he's like VC Andrews - just when the greatest books are written - shit like that happens...love is in the air - every place and every where....

I let down my kids I let down my inner self - where does it end - nothing is working - I ALWAYS got a break ALWAYS - there's no break coming nothing but depression and feeling like the two little people the need me the most I've let down the most- I don't know what to do anymore

Each "episode" I've been through in my life has always led me to somewhere - I know deep inside of me the reason for my eternal frustration, and I've come to this conclusion while readin Patti Smith's Just Kids, that the artist in me is not flourishing - I started in 1989 something I should have kept up with  but I met a guy and I just quit - just up and quit and became brutally depressed - that pivotal moment in my life I cannot forget nor forgive myself for...I feel as though if I do as I SHOULD be doing I will eventually get through the tunnel and yet something I can't even put my finger on it now - something stops me- I really really tried in 1996 thru 2000 to get something going - nothing ever took - that is why I feel like I did try maybe it's not for me but then what is??? Why can't I get anywhere with my writing? Now it's a no-brainer because I'm not doing anything with it - but why not then when I had the time, the opporunity , Marvin thinks it's my destiny...but I am not so sure...I don't feel like what I am doing right now is my destiny that's for sure...I just don't know what to do...I have my children thank GOD because they are it! They are the only ones in my life that never let me down....

I had a great day in May - and it's June already!!! Nothing changed and yet I am content for now so I want to suck it up while I can - my baby is going to be 7!! I remember being pregnant and eating, devouring taco salads from Wendy's - that's when I was in the suburbs  I hope the Flyers win tonight - it's 2 - 1 now but game wise it's 2/0 so...come on Flyers -if the Phillies can do it - you can too!!1 Four day week is cool it's HUMP day - and at bars across America give kinky quizzos a chance! It's a lot of fun wheeee......They're coming to take me away ha ha they're coming to take me away - shout to Neon Angel good book - Joan Jett Picture book is good though for the pictures of course - the story in Neon Angel is great - excellent fast read... I wanna be a cowgirl baby....

and on the 27th everything may change....and the awesome sex I've gotten for the past 3 nights hasn't hurt ; )

I will leave copies of the destroyer around and I am pitching TBC AGAIN - since this "job" has become a nightmare and I can only pray to God that I can get out of it somehow - I have only the hope that one day my continual attempts at writing will save me - VC Andrews didn't make it until she was almost dead - hey, I'll take it - as long as I eventally get my word out there and MAN would I like to get out of where I am now - the job WAS fine - but not anymore I was forced to make a terrible decision - now I have a shitty health care plan and that's just such a mess - my children my man and my writing and the support I recieve from my firends and fans, yes, I STILL have those, believe it or not - and I love you all - will get me through this...just as I've always gotten through everything

TEMPLE IS A DISGRACE To do this to hardworking employees - they should be ashamed of themselves - I must say at this moment in time on this date - I am ashamed to say I ever worked for such a degrading place - and if they don't settle a fair contract - shame on them. To deny people the right for their children to go to school under the contract that drew so many employees in - and then to take it away??? People who have worked there for years and years - I've NEVER seen harder working people than at Temple - but to be told to clean out your lockers - make way for the new class is an outrage and they get what they deserve which will be ALL BAD. They have to live with themselves - WE are on the right end - they are not thinking clearly WAKE UP TEMPLE AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE BEHIND THIS - and they know who they are, avoiding the real issues to issue a "gag" clause whereas we can't speak if we see something wrong? Where are we living Nazi Germany? To spend a fortune on people who haven't worked for Temple nor could care less and leave the people that do care and have worked hard for them penniless and without benefits - dispicable. And I don't care if some of my spelling is off - I'm mad because I KNOW what they are doing is wrong -and I NEVER get involved with politics - but Karma is a bitch...

It's been a long time - but now I know - that things aren't always what they seem - changes happen and there's nothing anyone can do about that - leave it up to God - but there are some things that can be done...and with the help of my friend Marvin and hopefully NYC - those changes are in full effect right now...

Just another Love TKO...wow - that's a set of pipes, huh?
     I read over my last entry and it's awful - I can't feel that way any longer - but how do I let go of that feeling? What do I do? I've always seemed to go through these deep depressions but I ALWAYS had myself...I  just  pray for guidance - at this point it's all I can do...

I hope that someday you come on this website and read because you certainly won't listen - that stopped LONG ago - when I reread this diary I can't believe what I went through- it ALL started that one night soo long ago - longer ago than even you think - I wanted something that someone else had because I thought that I wanted it too - only to learn that it was a pipe dream - just as my writing for the world seems like less and less a reality so does the hope that we could ever be what I "imagined" You lost hope - it was taken from you and I've exhausted myself trying to help you find your way or maybe like you said when I first met you,"I hope you can put up with me" I don't know if I can...I need a best friend - I had a best friend at one time but I didn't appreciate it and now I am left  stranded, in a horrible predicament - never able to get back what I stupidly threw away - I love you - but you can't love. And I need that - the love that you give just isn't enough - it's not enough to put up with being a caged bird...I always think of that Nancy Spungen title - Deborah, her mom wrote it...it's called "and I can't live this life anymore" and I can't...it's got to change it's little by little pushing me into another direction. I need a best friend...I love my children and they should be with theiir mother a lot more than they are - all of these things combined with the constant "jokes" that aren't funny at all...and the sad, so sad part is there's such a good person inside...you just don't see it..you feel as though you failed and in turn I am getting the backlash that I really don't deserve - I want to be happy, I am happy and thank God My self confidence is what it is, I only can imagine what you did to the other one...life is so strange but I am a survivor,,,and it's time for another chapter - I think back - a few of the years were good - the first one was so good it's what keeps me here - waiting for that happy go lucky joking guy that told me lies...all lies...and I can't live this life anymore...