If I could harness the way I write and make it - more compact - I could be a great writer _ i  am getting the hang of what people have been telling me for years - I gotta keep it to the point- I say the same thing too much - when diary styling = it's different but when you're wriitng a novel and there is a flair to it - maybe that is my goal that I should be doing - practicing my writing so that I can write somethig really a part of pop culture.The good thing with writing is I don't have to worry about age and beauty like an actress though the changes of age do suck   I remember grace slick saying "you start to ask -what is this funky shit growing over here?" It's the truth...I think I have to do that - my destiny?

I always have to go through hell to get to the next level...hell is back with a vengance - no I'm not getting high again - believe me, I saw a picture at the height of my heroin use - GOOD GOD I looked fucking terrible. I'm not going to lie - I will be 39 in August (19th - same as Coco Chanel, thank you very much) that freaks me out, a little, not that bad - I don't care about aging - I once stopped traffic - in my day I WAS the SHIT but I gained weight and, hey, I still get beeps, mostly because I have a great pair of tits but my ass isn't the shining star it once was - my stomach is out of control - but I still get beeps and looks - with the heroin I sure as hell didn't and looking at the picture I look disgusting - my face, it looked old and HIGH I mean WACKED - I was severely disturbed by that picture - now, this is the little small stuff, the window in my car is hanging out - well not hanging out but it's not on track and I'm afraid of driving down the freeway and it just shattering - I put it up as tight as I could - I aint worried about theft - I have full coverage and it's paid for - I PLEAD - steal this car!!! PLEEEASE!!! It'll never happen I want it too bad - anyway - no betsy has been good to me - it's just that the drivers side window went right off the bat and tom the mechanic said that the plastic used to hold that fucking electric window whatever (I am probably the only person in America that would KILL for just the old roll down windows - I DO NOT LIKE ELECTRIC - because something always happens to them  - always -  I like the roll downs - nothing can go wrong. Unless your getting a bag and someone shoots at your car (actually happened in 87 - me and a friend told this woman we needed her car to go to the bank which was a minute from the house, we come back 4 hours later with a shit load of coke and a car full of bullet holes, needless to say, we never got that car again - and she kept it a good while after-  it was a Le Sabre - member them???) Good car, THOSE windows never broke, ahem, Volkswagen - I thought Germans were made of steel??? Then since my dad kicked out this guy now he wants my attention all the time again - I don't have the energy = I'm doing the best I can. That's why I shop so much - it releases the tension - it's the only thing I have. Oh, I'm diggin' Lady GaGa yet I dislike announcing that - but it's true - she has caught my eye...So the window to my car breaks, a few pieces of good jewelry broke, I mean, really good pieces and other, strange, strange things that I can't even bring up here for reasons that are just that, personal reasons (Chirst I need some DEBBIE time - everyone's always picking at my brains, it gets tiresome - I don't want to explain myself all the time, I just want to shop and watch Hannah Montana and read Fashion magazines - that's about it...so as I began - something big is coming - I don't know what or when or if it's even good or bad - but it's coming and each time I go through a change -it kills me before I am reborn - I can't even imagine what it is that is coming my way- I am almost scared

when I had my drug problem every got in on it - because I'm honest and when financially, that's the ONLY reason I fixed it - I feel batter, have a LOT more money and should say oh life is so much more colorful without...unfortunately. I love opiates - to think and dream of their wonder is great - but then the tolerance - I have to remember the bad - tolerance - at one time 2 vicoden would get me high - HA! that turned to 8 bags of heroin a day! Wow, I just talked myself back into sobriety - I hated that feeling...the need - it's gone, I don't need anything and I am so much more attentive when I'm not buggim' - anyway, someone very close to me is now under it's spell and it's SO different for her - I threw in her face all the catch phrases she threw me "but it's different" she snivles - no it's not - sorry - it's the SAME for everyone in varying degrees - I could right more but it's late and I'm soooo tired I'm about to pass out - talk soon - a month hopefully sooner

I've been "facebooking" - thanks Aaron for reminding me - anyway - all is well - my ex is up to his usisal tricks and if you don't have kids you might not understand that when you break up SOME people can't let go so they use the kids to get to you! Anyway, everything else is going well - we're going to a carnival tonight - and - I pray it doesn't rain!
I still get asked about the book the Destroyer - I give them out or people pay for the postage I just like the compliments I get - my daughter is going stark raving mad right now but it's only 12 and the carnival doesn't start until until 6! IM GOING TO GO STARK RAVING MAD - did you hear about the new Debbie Gibson/Loirenzo Lamas movie - Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus it's campy cute - someone said "andy Kauffman campy" and I like that association! It is very accurate but I want to see it actually - I am growing and changing into a much different person than I used to be - A SHOPAHOLIC instead of a drug addict LOL but hey, it's cheaper and I look good! HA HA - so other than that with kids and a full time job and a great man I am happy healthy and I guess as opposed to by insane 20's BORING - but while I enjoy and appreciate everything that happened to me from age 17 to 32 - it was TOO crazy - glad I survived it but now I am a calm cool collected adult. with kids that are DRIVING ME ABSOLUTELY NUTS RIGHT NOW - but on the upswing I don't have any problems - no real problems anyway, how 'bout poor Farrah Fawcett huh? Anal cancer? Uggh - shame - Ryan Oneal looked broken up and having their son visit in his prison garb and having to hide his chains to see her is a heartbreaker - hate to end on a sad note but I gotta get these kids outta here or the house is going to explode from them making "TWO POUNDS OF SPAGHETTI" to surprise me with lunch!! LOL
Love you guys in my day....sigh - I would have made ya all very happy!
Debbie - now I am a mom, one man woman drug free BORING girl and I LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was a great customer of ebay - I had 94 100 percent feeback's and "bid retracted" they said "one too many times" and cancelled my account forever and then said I was under 18 so I couldn't use it anyway! They are a laughable joke and every seller that I got to know beyond ebay said they are turning into a bunch of assholes - so in essence I found out that Franklin Mills has what I was getting from ebay so much cheaper AND the bags they are CLAIMING are real are SOOO FAKE - NEVER buy a bag from ebay 90 percent of the time they are fake - I have been lucky enough to get the few good sellers that have real ones - but there is one person that begins with an "M" from Taiwan that should be ashamed of themselves! Selling people fake bags and ebay allows this - DOWN WITH THE BAY they can kiss my lily white beautiful ASS - and get this - because they cancelled my account - they put an unpaid item strike against me when I couldn't get to it - is that the most assholish thing? East Coast all the way - West Coasters don't behave like this - even, I know this is stretching a bit, but even in the TuPac/Biggie war - Tupac played California dirty - and Biggie played it right - they're just wrong over there - I think the sun gets to their brain or something! Even Lawrence Fishburn said it right "Tupac knew better and still acted like an asshole" - so I've learned something about the west coast - nice place to visit NEVER would want to live there NYC rules anyway - that's a city that can't be beat and I LOVE "EM they understand me and that's what I always loved about East Coast NYC - California are/is a bunch of pompous assholes and I hope ebay burns to the ground

but I didn't and now it's too late - and I am VERY depressed - my depression is like the ocean - waves come and go ebb and flow - and there's nothing I can do about it now - I feel like every wrong turn I could have made I did all in the name of what? What was I searching for? I got off drugs - that's one good thing - but beyond that everything else I did was one big mistake, except for my kids too and I just want my kids to be happy - I hope my Jess could even make it as a star somehow Jake, he's going to be a straight up business politician but my Jess, she's already swinging those hips like a mother - so I am hoping that she follows her dream early on - not like me - I went to school, got a good job - but am I really where I want to be - for a while I thought I was - but now - I am back to regret and that's the worse feeling of all

I would never make it as a serious blogger - I forget - it's been a month already - I read a few good books - one was about these murders in Waco Texas - Careless Whisper it is called - some say it is told too much from the prosecutor's side - but it's a great book and that David Spence - what a guy - chaining his naked girlfriend to a tree with a dog collar when she was "bad" and then even then when he got the death penalty she was crying - gotta love that - but some say he was executed in 1997 unfairly - I think he did it - it sounds like he did - but the only people to know are the dead three - Raylene Rice, Kenneth Franks and the mistaken identity girl Gayle was the one who was supposed to be killed - I can't remember who they killed instead - her name forsakes me but she was the third victim - it was a "murder for hire" plot that went awry - and the guy that actually concocted this whole scheme - he got away - scot free - Jill - Jill was the name of the third victim - what a shame - just  a bunch of potheads out for a good time and then you get a tree branch shoved up your coochie - I never had that happen in my party days , not under protest LOL - anyway - all is well and I just wanted to write and hope everyone had a good Valentime's Day - I got a make over at Saks - the greatest store - love the Chanel section!!! I got a bunch of makeup and a bracelet with a grand total of 919 and that was with the 10% discount! what can I say - I love that fucking Chanel shit - I think I might win a Gucci purse real cheap if I am lucky and from ebay 130.00 I got my daughter enough clothes to last her til she's 7 - I got my son a lot to but the bitch hasn't sent it yet and isn't answering my emails - paypal to the rescue - gotta love ebay! Talk to ya'
Debbie

I have seen the morning burning golden on the mountains in the skies.
Achin' with the feelin' of the freedom of an eagle when she flies.
Turnin' on the world the way she smiled upon my soul as I lay dying.
Healin' as the colours in the sunshine and the shadows of her eyes.


Wakin' in the mornin' to the feelin' of her fingers on my skin.
Wipin' out the traces of the people and the places that I've been.
Teachin' me that yesterday was something that I never thought of trying.
Talkin' of tomorrow and the money, love and time we had to spend.

Lovin' her was easier than anything I'll ever do again.

Comin' close together with a feelin' that I've never known before, in my time.
She ain't ashamed to be a woman, or afraid to be a friend.
I don't know the answer to the easy way she opened every door in my mind.
But dreamin' was as easy as believin' it was never gonna end.

And lovin' her was easier than anything I'll ever do again.

Oooooh.
Oooooh.
Ahhh.


I have loved where I've been - my life has been beautiful...and what God has shown me I can't decribe at times - things so beautiful the tears fall from my eyes - pain so deep it seared my heart - but I always came back with a vengeance somehow - that's what I want to teach my kids - nothing is worth much in life except happiness and if you're not there - then you've never lived....

From the time I was little I knew I was different. the chosen one - one who stood above others - it is fasinating to see how people react to me; out of jealousy, love, feigned indifference every way I can imagine - right now I feel anger toward someone I won't allude to who claims that she is a "mother" but no mother would keep their children from their father the way she does -- it is a sad and angry way to go about life and it will come back to haunt her in the end...

May 2009 bring nothing but joy and peace!!