I love watching her dance. She is really into it. Plus I am about to venture into complete freedom - I hope and pray everything works out OK - I really need this. I need time to myself - I am not getting younger and I want to be where I should be - not in the constant limbo in which I always feel. Like I should be somewhere else? Ever get that feeling? I'm going to be 40 in a few years - it's time...boy youth sure is wasted on the young and I give credit to anyone out there who just knew what they were going to do at a young age. Better late than never, right? - it's my turn to fly and I don't care how many haters try to beat me down - my spirit is too strong to be beaten and I think that's what haters hate most about me - my inability to give a fuck what they think about me.Ω

In love Christmas - that being said I think I'm in the minority-  I hear more bitching abour Christmas than any other time of year - people are miserable. I just love the smell of trees and the sights of lights and Santa Claus and how excited my children get but I think for some it is a very sad time...and I can't figure out why - I guess maybe you're supposed to be happy and it just doesn't work out like that? I'd love to do a pole LOL

I hope everything works out with it - holidays coming I have so much on my mind, I just want a happy holiday with my children and that's it. I don't know what else to say - that's all I want, I want my children to be happy and I want everything to work out - decorate the tree, etc. People who have no turmoil right now - consider yourself so lucky - one day I'll be able to write about what is going on right now. But I can't but one day....it's getting colder and I've always hated the winter. One thing is for sure. I'll never get into the situation I am in right now again - Jesus Lord my Savior I have seen the light. and it is oh so bright...Hallaluah or however ya' spell it...

Both are equally as fun! But I love the love - everyone who know's me loves the shit out of me but I get a lot of hate 'cause despite getting beaten into oblivion my whole entire life I always get back up - that's what I want to tell all you people out there - no matter how bad it hurts suck it up and get on with it!
That's my message for the day - I love my babies and they are most important but in the future someone suggested I go on a circuit talking about the evils of drugs - that seems to be the hot topic of the day and I'll tell you - I went nuts with opiates but I never hit rock bottom which was somehow worse because It fooled me into thinking that it was OK... but drugs, unless done recreationally, only hurt and 90% of people can not do drugs like that - only pot heads seem to be able to maintain a streamline. But those hard drugs - they'll fuck you. And I've learned something new just when I thought I've learned it all - being hated - not only makes you stronger - unless you fall apart from it - which I"VE NEVER DONE - it also brings love from places you never dream existed - I love all the people who are sticking by me during this very very difficult period in my life - those who are in the know - they know that it's really bad and has nothing to do with drugs and the ones helping me I will NEVER forget and if THEY EVER NEED ME - I NEVER forget a helping hand and I've had many of them  - many of them...Don't give up - I want the downtrodden to read this and never give up - there is a light at the end - and I'm still in darkness so thick my own father is devastated by what is going on with me - but don't worry dad - I'll get there  - I'm gonna get there and I'm on the ground right now with kicks coming from the right and the left - but a higher power above digs me because I always find myself geting out of the dark - You can do it too!!! And for those of you having a great life - fuck off!!
'

My two children and I watched it's a Charlie Brown Christmas last night and my son got a book from his school library called it stinks and we read that - he gets so excited about going to the Library - I hope I can make enough money doing what I want mixed with what I don't want so much and together I can buy a house that will just be us three and I'll show them how happy we can be...It's something I dream of everyday.

I just know I'll get out of here - I know it - and when I do the free spirit that I am will return

and that everything is going to work out and somehow there is a God and he is watching me - just making me get through this - whatever the fuck this is....wait til these books come out - I know I beat them to death but if you like to read - I'll spin you a tail that'll make your bones shiver, or you'll think I'm the most fucked up chick on the planet - either way - nothing I 'aint seen before...
Christmas is coming and it's my favorite holiday and I get positively sick thinking about being little...I had the best childhood on the planet - who would have thought adulthood would have turned out this convoluted and not only that- people reading my book will for sure think I'm "james freyin'' it but I'm not - it's all true Oprah - unfortunately....

Pray for me - just pray for me....I am in a dangerous situation. Pray for me please...

I am going through some sort of growth period -I hope I make it out alive, This is the most uncertainty I've ever had to worry about - but I just want my children to be safe and to get out of the situation I'm in - I am in prison - every which way, a situation that I NEVER thought I'd be in and it has to stop...I hope God is on my side, cause I'm praying every day...

Hope everyone enjoyed Opium I am about to fly on my own -  I love but realize that my children come before EVERYTHING and that will be the main jist of my novel - The Destroyer and Glock 17 and The Destroyer II. I hate that I have to make it a two parter but the first novel alone is going to run about 400 pages which is hefty and all but diehard book fans will usually adhere to - it's so fucking bizarre, weird, over the top cool though - you won't be able to put it down.

I just pray that when my chidlren are older they will understand what happened. I miss them because of this joint custody shit - it's just not fair - they are my kids and I wish I was alone when I had them, sperm donor only, as I wish that everyone would just leave me be now...  I just want to be friends with the world and watch my beautiful children grow - I worry sick about them and I worry sick and that in this very conservative world I wish for the tides to change, for the best. It can't be all bad all the time - if you keep trying, the upswing will come, and then one gets nervous because the upswing means the downswing is right around the corner...

It's time for me to fly...it's been time...

I want those who are being assholes to get what's coming to them - I've always seen karma in action and I'll tell you one thing -it always comes back to haunt those who are assholes - just remember that - revenge is done by a higher power - don't take it on yourself - it'll come soon enough - I just have to sit back and wait...

 I just got a book called comback and guess what? I'm making a comeback. So tired of the hypocrites and the bullshiters. I'm back baby, and ready for action...I am a freebird and that's what I'll always be - no one can tie me down...written from a mother and daughter perspective Claire and Mia Fontaine- daughter goes through heroin abuse - sounds right up my alley - and before the haters start in with the druggie druggie shit it's not because of a romantic tie to heroin - it's because I love stories about overcoming obstacles - I love 'em! Because that is just what I'm about to do - overcome all obstacles. I always thought I needed someone else to make me happy. And I was right - and that came in the form on two darling little children seen in my pix. But as far as a man is concerened? Everyone has sexual needs - it's evolutionary - and I'll be the first to admit - I have EXTREME evolution going on in my pants, rah-rah-rah - BUT - EVERYONE can do it on their own - financially it's hard but to take abuse and be controlled to the point that you can't do anything you want to do - to be belittled and told time and time again - I'm just kidding - pishah! Begone and good riddance and I thought I was smarter than that - but that's what life is - a lesson through journeys- and I've had one hell of a paper route.,.

A lot of people think he was a joke and that astounds me - songs like 'Montana' were great songs...I really dug him and all that he stood for. His life was cut short by prostate cancer, wasn't it? Some form of anal malaise. 
'Scuse me if I'm wrong. But his thoughts beliefs, everything was so free - why is that people lock themselves up in cages? It's so sad - they let life beat them - money, material posessions, it all means nothing. Life is what you make it and if you're unhappy you have to change that, Drugs make it worse though, somehow fooling you into believing that everyhhing's OK when it's not. Facing reality is the hardest thing to do, But in the end- have you ever met a person on drugs- chronically? There is aura of depression about them - now there are a lot of miserable people out there in this world BUT the ones happiest are the ones that are content within themselves...naturally.

But you just have to fight for what you know is right and do the best you can. Because miserable people will always stay that way = ALWAYS and don't be fooled. It's just the way it is...But never let it get you down - I've been in a downlow for so long now I don't know if I'll ever get out and yet - I have the faith - I keep the faith that I will be free and I will make it - and that excites me, The future excites me because life always turns out the way it ought to be - it' s just when we're in it it's so hard to figure out what the hell is going on - Just keep the faith - Peace, brother....Ω (that's my sign by the way)....Leo - the beautiful Lioness - I am a warrior and sometimes warriors get kicked, and boy I get kicked an awful lot - but I always get back up again - and I always, always always get what I want....or at least what I need...

You have to follow your heart - that's the way it goes - you have to follow your heart. I am just trying to hang onto faith - I told people that either things are aweome for me or totally fucked up - there's no middle ground. I don't know what to do or where to turn. Every test I've ever had it's been worse and worse - so here goes - this is by far the worst one ever, I hope and pray that I see some ray of light- it's just getting out of control.

has to be lifted soon. I can feel it. I will make it.. It's just that everything's wrong right now and the reason I write this is because I want people to know that everything can be wrong - but eventually things turn out the way they are supposed to = I have to take action - there is not much time left...

I must have a golden you-know-what because I drive people insane....it's crazy, I feel sorry for people - they're miserable, just miserable...

I have someone doing them and have brilliant ideas, not a lot of time - so hang on...until then tomorrow is the big court custody day. Can't we all just get along - Life follows a really weird path - I never thought I'd be in the situation I'm in now, ever - but I know that things have a way of working themselves out - eternal sunshine? Where is it now???

Opium Magazine is going to print a short short I wrote for them so check it out - it's on the net. I'll tell you when it's in print. I like the magazine because it's different. It accepts my kind of writing - off the wall - William Burroughs kind of stuff.
Pop Culture has become so overwhelming in its time. It encompasses everything we see and think about. It has taken over to the point that fame and fortune are seen as the end all be all, and the people who have it know that it's not. And yet, artists especially plead to have their talents noticed?? To connect with others - I don't know...to reach their own nirvana selfishly through others...
Life certainly is confusing and one day to the next I don' know where it's going to take me. And I can dig that - whatever happens, happens, hold onto your spirit and don't dilute it with drugs - smoking a joint her and there ain't so bad but to do hard core materials everyday - what a waste - I so often think of Layne Staley - that guy had the voice of an angel - I mean, Rick James was a hard core addict and had a troubled life but it didn't seem so sad - I don't know why. Did you know that Rick James wanted to be a rock and roll star but was afraid he would lose his core audience??? One black, one white, both addicts, whereas I think when Demitri, excuse me if I'm getting her name wrong, was the love of Layne's life and when she died especially amist the rumours of overdose when it was an infection from shooting up, OK , what's the difference but anyway, I think something inside of him died whereas with Rick, he was just a straight up party funk mister.
Hmmmm.....

I can get something going on here-  I hate having the same pictures all the time - it drives me crazy I like new different things always - I am perpetually bored. Think about this - what are you biggest regrets in life - do you have any? I wish I could be more honest - my book will shed honest light on my current situation but I said it before and I'll say it again. I am a survivor. Somehow, someway, I will surivive this.

I hate this joint custody crap - it's not fair, especially since my daughter is so missing me - my son is strong and he's only six years old. My daughter is too young hopefully my dreams will come true - I am a dreamer but like that Van Halen song "Little Dreamer", that's me - the little dreamer, weren't they amazed when you were big at last - I still haven't given up hope that one day I will make it as a writer and be able to support my children doing just that - my daughter is in love with dancing. She will be a little dancer and my ex is actually trying to keep me away from my children to spite - me - even my lawyer said so...it's unbelievable what people will do because they are so angry. People should just free their mind I hate to sound en vogue but the rest will follow - I am following my heart and moving forward. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other,,.,

my pics will have to wait - more will come - that I can promise- I really want to finish my book and get it all together- I want my life to be together, I never had that. I never had "the ordinary world" that I searched for - and that's what I want. No drugs, no hostility or anger, to teach my children about love and that it CAN be really good. I look back and see where mistakes I made formed into issues of the future - but I can't turn back time - nor will I ever turn to drugs again as the source to make me feel better. They never made me feel better. They really don't. They are quick acting and then it's gone and you have to lie, and do all kinds of shit to get them and to keep it going. The best high is a straight lifestyle with levelheaded individuals surrounding you, And I pray for my children everyday, I pray for them everyday,

can be found at the link's below...nice ladies - one is a writer one is an up and coming writer - check them out! Good people....

You write. That's what I do...

I was free and had no attachments and I was floating....I was awake but it went through me like one of those sunner breezes you never forger, the kind that blow through you and you'll always remember the way you felt one really good summer - everyone has one summer they remember. I remember being so young and free - I could do anything I wanted. I was completely out of my mind and no one cared. Now everybody cares and I wondered why I thought it would be better this way

Talk about the unknown  I don't know where I am headed - all those that want to see how this ends - stay tuned  - I'm in as much suspense as I can be. I can't believe how life changes. One day you think you know how the rest of your life will settle and the next everything changes...as I said before or as the guy from Greenday has said - "It's something unpredictable but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life" I was...I  had the time of my life...and now it's time to move on...very heartbreaking....beyond belief I really thought I had a good thing going. Why does life  do this? I just want to be sober and with my kids and write books and I guess that should be my priority right now.
It's just hard to be alone...very difficult.
"

Everyone has been so great - positive feedback is making me feel better - I've been really getting knocked around lately but you know what??You keep getting back up again - there's a reason the Rocky theme is my theme - I'll go down fighting 'til the day I die...

I can't get into my personel life right now but I am devastated by something that has been going on for months now. I thought I found the love of my life - it has tuned ugly. And I am afraid, THat's all I can say right now - maybe later I can say more. I do wan't to do what I have to do but I have become non-functional in many ways. I was laid off from a job that I was at for 12 years. I couldn't stand that job in the end but it was a steady gig so that's fouling me up a bit. Then I had an interview that I had in the bag but because of what is going on - I couldn't go to that. I have to get better I have to get, see, I can't say too much because I am actually afraid for my safety. I do have people out there that know the true me - the true free spirit inside and now, I'm a caged bird. I am so scared...please pray pray for all those that are afraid

I tried to post some new pictures and a page where you could see a demo of the destroyer but I am so bad at this shit - I can't believe it - never fear I have someone who will help so forgive the under construction bullshit for the moment,

Some people love the artist some people hate the artist and some people don't like them but understand them...I am a free spirit, always have been always will be. That's who I am, And I make no bones or apologies about it - don't like me - fuck off - do like me - love you right back....I express myself in many forms but I am almost done THE DESTROYER and have to work work work at my DREAM  - STAY SOBER....or at least do the drug but don't let the drug you...
LOVE, DEBBIE
And thanks to all the wonderful, beautiful people who had the kindest of words to say to me - they mean ALOT in this troublesome time I am having with a custody situation.

This is one of the few times in my life I have no idea where I am going. I am very sick and think I might have gotten pneumonia and I have a job interview tomorrow - good Lord, I need that footprints poster - I need carried right now,

I lost a contest that had long since lost meaning - I thought I needed to ride someone's coattails to get to where I want to be - to be honest - here is the story:
I started going on the Howard Stern show a while back and have always gotten so many great emails from people about my appearances now when Artie (he's a regular on the show) started laughing and we connected on some level - that was cool but the girl I was in the competition with really seemed to not like me - over blowing air out of our pussys! IT was craziness - it was such fun - we both got five hundred dollars but it almost seemed as if Howard was pissed at me - and I am really in shock - I don't care if I come off as egotistical - I am - I am a beautiful, loving person that has a lot going for her - my book, "The Destroyer" will have to make it on it's own - and for no other reason than I really thought Howard dug me - he doesn't, or maybe he was having a bad day- but I was having a great time, didn't care if I won or lost and it was like, Robin came up, Artie said it was one of his favorite segments off the air and Howard, he never even came up at all - I am very hurt and I really don't care if he thinks I'm a whiner - I just learned something today - I have to do it by myself with no ties - that's exactly how I'm going to make it - and anyone who remembers me from the show will - and for those who don't. I will start fresh. I was really disappointed today and not because I lost at all, I'm very happy for the girl who won - I thought Howard really dug me - he has changed, he really has I met him on many occasions and he was always so sweet, he just seemed so mad today = that's all I will ever say about that show again except that I LOVE ARTIE - he is the MAN! I really dig that guy and am very happy I got to meet him...

Tomorrow is the big day. I have a lot of things going on but tomorrow looms ahead - I don't think I will win per se - (that was never my forte but a way to get exposure) but I will always be the original. If I win, I don't know, that would be cool but I am nervous - it's been 2 years and even longer than that since I've been in front of Howard and now it's here. I wish I could just disappear with a shit load of shit and hide in closets like Sikki Nixx did - this world is too overbearing. Maybe if I got ALOT of time under my belt I'd feel differently but even coming down off of subs is like dying - the lesson here today kids, is NEVER EVER do drugs - do them, but never let them do you - you'll wind up with nothing but a monkey on your back and a sadness about you that will never go away.

Plus Monday is MY big day - it's a big day for a lot of reasons - and I have to stay on the straight and narrow path - somehow things always work out so much better for me when I'm in tune with my spirit and the spirit of my children...

Please guys, don't do it - it will eat your soul - and anyone who got out of it alive and for good - I salute you - without Methadone or Subutex I don't know how people do it unless they're thrown into a jail cell. Monday I am going on a radio show to prove my queeness but to me, whatever happens doesn't matter because I will always be the queen no matter what - I am only in my 30's - this is supposed to be the prime of my life and I'm going to show everybody that as down and out as I am right now I will survive in spades, as I always do - and wait until the Destroyer comes out and you really see how much bullshit I've put up with in my short life....ALOT and when I think about all the tomorrow's I have - that makes me excited because nothing is worth getting down about or using heroin - it sucks - it's great for that time being and then it sucks the soul right out of you -
DebbieΩ

I cannot believe all the candy my kids got. ALOT. I am eating it right now, alas, very tired, must work on book, back to later. Nothing of interest except that I'm very tired today...My brain needs sleep zzzzzzz tomorrow will be of better interest.