And it just keeps piling on. Well, the Destroyer will be ready about March 4th - I had a few corrections to make and that's what held it up - It will be well worth the wait...I am excited and also nervous - sort of everything in my life balances on what happened today. And it was extremely stressful especially when the man I love the most is in his mood again - I know he works a thousand hours a day but after an EXTREMELY nerve wracking day that would have killed just about anyone I don't think it was a crime to fall asleep for a few minutes - my kids were running around and he HATES when I fall asleep I suppose it is jealousy on his part because he's hungering for sleep. But I am on a roller coaster ride and cannot take much more of this. I just want to be semi-settled and if I have trouble with stress - J has ulcers from stress - no wonder his doc has him on X's out the wazzoo...I am missing my Forensic Files as we speak and I am just about in withdrawal over it. My son wants the computer so BEWARE THE DESTROYER IS COMING...

ans some book about Susan Polk - never heard of her before but she killed her husband so that's interesting...it is true that the most disturbed among us are psychotherapists - they're just a weird lot. I love sunflower seeds. Non-sequiters? That is how my brain is working at this exact second. I can't think beyond this minute or I'll go crazy - get smoke and mirrors by Ann Rule - Mr. Detective is barely cohert behind me he is so involved with it. Heath Leadger huh? Wow that sucks.
But Chuck E. Cheese doesn't - keeps your wired ones tamed for hours.
As I said it's hard for me to think beyond this minute but after Tuesday I'll be back with a vengeance.
See ya' then,
Me

I am back with my rantings. I was reading this ghost story book and I am not a big ghost believer but I have to say in this instance I was waiting for J to come home - he was tied up with some crackhead who had 50 packs of crack stuffed into his ass and I, home alone and stir crazy, read viraciously, which I normally do anyway. I love to read.
But I did read about something brand new - something I'd never heard of before which was delightfully horrifying. This "Villisca Axe Murders" which acutally happened in IA on June 10th, 
1910. Apparently, in the tiny town of Villisca, a murder happened, mass murder. Eight people: 2 adults, 6 children were brutally murdered in their beds - the adults had many whacks, the children only one each. The book went onto the "ghost" element of it while I became obsessed with the story. Plug Villisca Axe Murders in your yahoo or google and the official site pops right up - a fascinating read. I was mesmorized -so much so that when I bent down to call J to see where he was in crack land/on the flip side of course, I realized my cell was upstairs and I could not turn from the computer screen. So I went for the relic - the land line and found to my chagrin that it was DEAD - as dead as those poor eight souls almost 100 years back. Well, I jumped up, the hair on the back of my neck stood up and the mice started dancing out from under the stove in the kitchen (when - when, Western Pest, will they be gone???) I started freaking myself out and pounding the phone all over the place - miraculously it started to work again - I called and screamed into the phone, "Where are you?"
"I'm stuck down here, Deb."
"Great."
"Why, what's wrong?"
"I'm freaking myself out."
"Stop doing those drugs, babe."
"I DID!!!"
"Well, then, start back up again because I won't be home 'til 6."
I glanced at the clock, one eye on 4:30, the other on a bloody axe.
I quivered. "okay." and sheepishly hung up the phone.
But could not stop reading.
Hours later, J came home made AWESOME FUCKING PORK CHOPS and I told him all about the axe murders, Forenic Files blaring as he relived finding all those packets of gold shimmering out of a tightly knit dingleberry and all the other fun stuff that happens in his district. I told him all about murder and mayhem.
"Why do you watch..er..read that shit when you're scared."
I tilted my head to one side and thought hard..."I don't know...you wanna fuck?"
And that was the end of Axe Time - but read it - it's great...And my phone plug was half way hanging out of the wall - when I shoved the prongs tightly back into place - lo and behold - another miracle - my phone worked again. It might not ring - but I can call J...any...time...I...want.
 

you start rocking back and forth and babbling incoherently - well - that is what is happening right now I am starting to freak and someone just called my cell and asked for NiNi whoever NiNi is - God Bless - I am frustrated and going mad but there is nothing you can do nothing...you just have to wait it out and what is meant to be will be...

and I'm done then I can write again right now I can't even breathe

I don't know the date or the time but I'll tell you I am one Happy Delighted Nervous Bitch with a great haircut- Big Shout Out to Jeffrey down at 10th and South. He is the man - or is he the WoMan? He is delightful and the cherry red lipstick is HIS FUCKING COLOR! He get me discount at Dunkin Donuts. I am excited about my book but more excited about an addition to my life that was unexpectedly WONDERFUL  - I haven't been this happy in a while - last night J thought I was crying in my sleep - I was laughing! Laughing because everything is sooooo fucking working out and great now - even though like the ditz/remarkably bad driver that I am I think I busted a tie rod? Whatever you call it or a ball joint on my right front tire - J said my tire is all fucked up. -  Just when I am NOT!
     Watched Borat again last night - can't get over the genius that is Sasha Baron Cohen - to not break character like that is remarkable - though I think when he's in the trailer or whatever they were in with those teen kids - college kids - he starts laughing or something when they go to hug him - that's the only time I think I saw Sasha come out to pllllaaaayyyy Warriors  - COME OUT TO PLLLLLAAAAAEEEEEE Remember that - Can You DIG IT?
Oh I just talked to my kids and I am crashing down because they made these cards for their grandmom I should have put a note on the box and the kids sound all depressed now...jeez...how is this world still spinning...all the time spinning it just never stops and my heart aches. My HEART ACHES for those kids - and Jake always sounds so sad anymore - SOMEONE is putting too much fucking pressure on him- he's a kid - they should be having fun...ohh I have to go I am having a breakdown - boy reading this... a lot changes in five minutes...

My last few weeks of freedom before work starts - I am a little disappointed that life does this - you get what you want but everything seems to come at the wrong time -just when my book, my baby is coming out I will be a 40 hour working woman again and with two kids - promoting anything might not be feasible - that's why this job has promise - it's work 7 months, off for 5 - sounds great to me. Maybe I'll do this and really work on my writing career - I love to write so much - but I get an email from Ann Rule - www.annrules.com and I think - that woman was a Seattle police officer - had five children to raise, I think by herself - husband deceased I think, not sure but, that's what kept her going. I really have to work harder; at one time all I did was write but I got so frustrated by the rejection I stopped and then had two BEAUTIFUL wonderful children so all is not lost in that regard, BUT I do have to concentrate because I have a lot to say and each new experience brings me further into the book world. I just had a man tell me a very interesting story - one that I am sure would put people on many sides of the fence. If I could get everything straight - that would be at least a short story I would like to write...I am objective though and not sure if the person could handle the objectivity ONLY because of his emotional involvement in the story - when one feels wronged it is easy to make a bad guy out of the enemy - when there are no ememies - if people would just let go of their anger this would be a much nicer world. But stress, trying to keep up, other people's opinions and perceptions of you all of these things make for a world that is not so perfect. It is easy to understand the constant need for escape - even sometimes when people get clean - as I know one woman who was a severe drug addict and quit many years ago but recently burned her hand and was put on Oxycontin and is fooling herself in thinking that just because it's doctor prescribed all these drugs for her, she's OK; she's in the danger zone. And I am no hypocrite, I know I could never touch anything again with my past history, my familial history...everything involved. I am starving and have a very strange looking mole on my back - thank God I kept up my medical insurance - there are blessings that do come however few and far between...Have a great day and I am looking forward to meeting ALL of you in person and spiritually - I love you  

IF YOU ARE A STERN FAN AND WANT THE DESTROYER AND A FREE AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF ME WHEN I WAS IN MY PRIME JUST EMAIL to the left debbie@queendebbie.com
WILL BE READY FOR SALE BY NEXT WEEK - LATEST FEBRUARY 1st.

Right now I should be writing my second novel and instead all I'm doing is reading reading reading - I love to read - things come at the oddest times - things I prayed for came too late - and now things I want have to wait....one NEVER knows what is going to happen in their life - it just guides you there - yes, you have the ability to meander along, pulling and pushing to where you want to be but in the end I believe a great deal in fate, luck and strength...I love ghost and murder stories - I love good fiction and Ann Rule - she wrote to me God bless her heart. She inspires me though we write from two sides of a coin. She's good. And please, so yourself a favor, check out "The Glass Castle" by Jeanette Walls - Man is it hilarious, absolutely hilarious...

As soon as I get back the galleys thanks to Marvin "the magician" Stafford  - The Destroyer will be available - I will do anything I can to promote it - autographed copies - wihatever you want -big smoochie lipstick imprints - boob prints, fingerprints - whatever you want it's yours - More to come about how to order this fabulous book based on my life - but not a memoir - no James Frey territory involved...so Oprah come and get me...I am so glad that I have the opportunity to make this available to the masses and then within the next year, as quick as I can as I've started four or five beginnings "Glock 17 and the Destroyer will follow...I am so excited...can you tell? I didn't know the process would be this quick. And I've always done everything for myself by myself...I never let anyone hold me back....maybe once in a while like when I was Post Partum delirious. One thing I have noticed is that when I was younger it was a lot easier to say "fuck you". Age makes one conscious. And I have an odd story to tell - One time somone stole something from my sister and I was so mad I dreamt of leading this person into the woods and killing him, acutally killing him, can you imagine - that was 12 years ago in 1996. Now in 2008 having not been caught for this ridiculousness I would probably be a wreck because murder has no statute of limitations and I wonder how like, for example, Gary Ridgeway, the Green River Killer, did he worry - especially at his work when his co-workers would tease him about being the killer, etc.  What did he thinK????Hmmmm. This story reads confusing - I never killed anyone nor would I ever - I am a spiritual person, lover of nature. Anyone who commits an act of murder is either really in self-defense mode or they are very sick in the head and I don't mean in a cool way...

I lost a lot of weight - 20 total pounds - I love it!!!! I am a little worried about work, though, I am a worker and a good one - but I must be challenged when I am working - I'm not a robot so there! I will make it! I refuse to give into those nagging little imps. But it is so very hard - I was going to write more but I just zoned out and am going to read "Smoke, Mirrors, and Murder, and other true cases." by Ann Rule - MY Favorite! I love fiction but don't have anyone that pops out as being a fiction favorite but non-fiction - Ann RULES!

Summertime by Janis Joplin is playing in the background and Jim thinks I made a job fauz paux but I can't help but think this is what I've been waiting for - my life is slowly but surely inching it's way to where I want it to be,,,I have to stay strong and if I haven't fallen apart yet,,,nothing could break me - sing it Janis! Talk about soul....I revel in her hypnotic whisper of a scream. That woman only needed 27 years on the earth - I hope the absolute magical things that have occured to me, that come to me out of nowhere are not finished. I want to be where the air is filled by pixie dust...where the sunshine meets with the rain and there is no difference....Where beauty becomes not in the eye of the beholder but universal. I want to be free again. Is it possible or are the chains of life impossible to break?

when I was 13-16 and then all hell broke loose - I did not know that the artists I listened to at the time - ranging from Rick James, Vanity, well, Prince, but he always seemed God like, but even the Go-Go's were all cocained out. Then I went to the dark side with Black Sabbath and Metal Church and the Cult and Suicidal Tendencies, the Cramps, Souxsie and the Banshees all the branch outs of the Sex Pistols - Billy Idol, etc...A fantastic movie was Sid and Nancy, Courtney Love was in that and you just know she was pissed off about not being Nancy - the part went to Cloe Webb who whatever happened to her??? Anyway, another movie that crosses my mind is "The Professional" with a young Natalie Portman and that French guy - what a fucking movie - I watched both of these ad nauseum while I was stuck in the 'burgh - Pittsburgh, that is...I was so lonely out there and then was with who is now my ex and he just followed me around like a damn dog and now is trying to take MY KIDS away - they aren't even his!!! What a fucking asshole - you can read my strange, enlightening saga soon - the Great Marvin Stafford edited it in less than 24 hours, Big Shout, my friend....what is life going to bring,...I never felt this uncertain before...this is almost, ALMOST the fun part if it weren't so UNKNOOOOOOWWWNNN.....

I know I've talked of him before but he haunts me. Someone with that artistic talent - Alice in Chains was an amazing group - his voice captured every bit of his soul and pain and to ruin it with heroin breaks my heart. I think about him alot - I have the essentials of AIC and I read this book where the mom heard the name for the first time (AIC) and was afraid of it - when I first heard the name I was in college it was 1993 and I was a raging go-go dancing (they still called it that - I know, exotic dancer whatever the fuck) hip hop queen cocaine out my brains and I remember going to school - straight as an arrow and when you do drugs and then are straight - everything becomes hyper-reality - and AIC struck me -and I wondered who are these fucking people - what about LL and Public Enemy even Snoop who was just rising - but yet in the sticks they introduced me to Smashing Pumpkins and Liz Phair and Bjork and I thought - who are these freaks??? And yet - when I think back to the beginning how he said everyone had always made him feel like an animal trapped in a cage and heroin unleashed that cage - and then chained him again - powerful and HAUNTING. A true artist - where is Jerry Cantrell - I liked his stuff? WHat happened - I looked them up and just saw pictures - I guess there's no way in hell they could ever be AIC without Layne - He was AIC, even though I read that Jerry got more respect from the companies themselves -just a few thoughts me and my man Marvin Stafford are going to edit- The Destroyer starting today so get ready, BABEE - it's a gulp! comin' 

working hard...working hard....everything dormant - went to Giggleberry Fair today in New Hope PA, very pleasant place. We rode the merry-go-round a thousand times. My daughter is a born horse back rider the way she climbs on those horses. Tomorrow I will have full fledge report - right now both kids are on both sides of the head screaming for something - both involving the computer - so gotta' go - those with kids know what screaming children can do to the nerves - see ya' tomorrow..

I got the galleys for the interior of "The Destroyer" and my editor said the writing is awesome - but there are a few mistakes and it's weird when I was writing it I thought I captured each and every one but just browsing it I found a mistake and I want it to be perfect for whoever reads it - right now things are looking a little brighter and I am just waiting for the climb UP I have been sliding down and now it's time - that's why one can never give up - you never know what's around the corner. I had a really bad 2007 probably the worst in my life - For book lovers I suggest "Lovely Bones" by Alice Sebold - probably the strangest book I have ever read yet most beautifully prosed. Very hard, you almost have to digest each and every word to get the picture of heaven she paints - gruesome at the same time though about a dead girl - murdered and raped and then is in heaven looking down - seeing her family fall apart - original....right now my children are creating that happy background noise that I so enjoy - Love is in the air...and all is well with the world at 6:35pm EST on Saturday January 12, 2008 - lets see how long this lasts...Philadelphia Freedom...
Debbie 

Went well, despite the rain, whatever happens happens - I will be busy reading my galleys to give it to you fine people - I am so exausted and have to get my kids - talk to you soon...
Love and Kisses Debbie

to make things look normal - all the pictures are all screwed around - it's comical, but so am I so it fits RIGHT IN with my personality, semi-retarded, no offense to the community of, what do slow people go by now? I have a hard time keeping up with PC terms. I used to be a Dego or a Pollock now I am an Italian-Polishian citizen of the states. Rah-rah-rah.
First I have no job now I have too many - does it always work like this????Feast or famine? I'm just lovin' my new hair cut I might never wash it again - thanks to those Asian's down on 10th and South - give big shout out to the guy in the flip flops - he's doing my color next week, They never give you any shit, ya' know, gotta' love 'em. I wanted to put up the gallies of "The Destroyer" but my webmeister can't seem to figure out how to j-peg 'em. I can email them to someone but not post - weird, huh? All I know is I was bored and sad without a job and now I'm bored and sad about the prospect of too many jobs. I would like to be rich forever...well...I have much to do today...see you on the flip side.
DebbieΩ

coming in less than a day - I got a new hair cut on South St. and I want to show it off - those Asian folk really know what they're doing, ya' know??? I'll get back when I get the pix into my gallery - hey it's something new!

Things happen then things don't I am doing great in some areas and then in life it's like I can't get a break to save myself - anyway - I am writing because the galley for the front and back cover of my book are done and I will put them up as soon as I can for right now I am going to read - it puts me into another world

Than I went downtown and thought I would be in this store for 15 minutes and was in there 16 and got a parking ticket!! That is life Ce la Vie - you know what I am writing down all of this horror to show YOU the reader that wait until things turn around - unless one is sick a la' Hunter S. Thompson who killing himself went out just like he should have - no pun or anything intended those who knew him - knew him...but onward, unless you're sick like that - my uncle killed himself because he was so ill and in his sixties - so that's the only time I say suicide is warranted is when you are sick and there is absolutely no way you will ever get away from the illness. Otherwise, there is always a way out - a ray of hope - today was a beautiful day and I walked down South street and could care less about the ticket - I found 20 dollars on the ground and the ticket was 20 dollars - so there you go - even Steven. I am just praying for alot of things right now and when they all fall into place you will find out that life is what you make it and when I'm on top - I am on TOP, baby, when I am low, there is no lower - the only thing I noticed is that you have to keep strong in these situations and when one douses their self in drugs or alcohol it makes any given situation worse - did you ever see an addict that was happy - there are people who can do drugs recreationally but they are few and far between. Drugs and alcohol really make a loser out of people - so stay away that is the lesson for today and ALWAYS put that damn extra quarter in the slot - hey I had NO QUARTER!! It was as if I had a premonition,,,

I just got that in my head - that song - no quarter - Led Zep - so hauntingly beautiful - when I was younger I swore by now I'd have the world by the balls and it's as if every wall is crashing down around me, But I perservere because I believe deep in my heart that there is an end to this - I believe deep in my heart that somewhere, somehow, there's a new beginning.

I keep holding on - with  a heavy heart - waiting still in waiting it's hard for me to even write with nothing to say.,. very down time in my life - I hope that my future holds some promise I am going through a very rough time right now,..

I get confused without working but I am starting work very shortly...I almost feel a bit nervous as it's been twelve years since I started working a new job. But between that and the new book coming out I am ready for action. If anyone has any question as to my sobriety just ask my new career it wouldn't be possible. I am tired of certain people, who I LEFT four years ago because of their abuse still trying to abuse me. It sucks and is unwarranted - I love everyone's emails telling me to keep the faith, keep sober and think positive and above all, love my babies...I love them to death and everything I do I do for them. Thanks for the positive emails
Love and Kisses
Debbie,,

My spirit is in waiting....I pray everyday for everyone who is troubled and empathize with them. Even if I only get a handful of people reading what I have to write that is fine - believe in yourself and keep the faith that things will work out the way they should in the end, The only person you have to count on is yoursalf and don't do your spirit a disservice...do what is right no metter how high the mountain may be - the right way is usually the toughest...

but few have made me feel this way.
A friend of mine was found shooting up heroin. I am at a loss for words. I am incredibly hurt and my own past addictions come to haunt me. I don't understand what it going  on anymore - it's like everything since I was sixteen is changing. Everything. My whole world is being turned upside down, I knew a very special person once - so special and he died well ahead of his time. He died younger than I am now though at the time he seemed so strong - like a Greek God - he looked like one. He was special and beautiful and he fucked my head up more than any other person - he made me believe in a fantasy that isn't really a fantasy at all but a dirty nasty secret - at the time I was only seventeen and it was so erotic - but what it's turned into has been a horrible horrible thing and I just don't understand what it happening anymore. I had stopped everything so long ago I had done it on my own. I had done it on my own and now I just cry because I can't believe what is going on.... 
Happy Birthday Vicki, that's a good thing

No new pics...nothing but I'm getting there - believe me - I don't care if it takes until I'm 40 (yikes!) - you might not even want to see them by then - but I will get some good pics - I haven't had the heart to change anything I've been reading a lot and thinking - I think I'm going through a midlife crisis...a lot of things are still happening - but my growth is being thwarted I'm just biding my time until I'm allowed to grow...I will get that chance - it always happnens for me - until then - I will read read read...

My goals are set in stone for 2008 and I'm going to make it! It's going to be my year and nothing and no fucking body is going to stop me...When you play nice - you get fucked - plain and simple - I just gotta be me - not bitter or bitchy just strong and know what I want and go out ther and get it, I have to forget about my past, And move toward a better future and KNOW that I am going to make it because I'm motherfucking ready - and all you haters? watch out...I ain't taking anymore bullshit - I don't know when that started but it's going to stop because I've been nice for way too fucking long....