IMPOSSIBLE wiith FIVE kids between the ages of 4-17 - impossible! 4 - 6 - 10- 12 - 17 - we went to a restaurant last nigth - man the true test of patience is going to a restaurant that sells toys - sometimes I think how do single parents do it - HOW???It's gotta be the hardest thing on the planet. I just want to relax and it's "MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT" As a matter of fact it gets me to believe that none of us ever really grow up - what do our inner voices say everday - the same....I have to give these filthy children a bath - they stink and are literally covered with colored of indiscernible natures.;.. gotta go!

I had no idea that I would get such a time consuming job or that I wouldn't have the chance to write down all the things I wanted to share with my peeps - I wish I could tell you guys certain things but I think I have some sort of gag order at work and cannot talk otherwise I wiould tell you about the insanity at work! Never a dull moment in my life...I thought my book would be out for purchase already I promise it will be worth it I want it to be perfect as it can. And in two weeks I am moving talk about wirlwind - have to cut my dad's hair - will try to think of something interesting that I've noted in the past few days - Walt Whitman bridge is closed right now - hostage situation - Love Debbie

I am struggling with a lot of things - days go by and I don't notice them. I don't know what to do...I really want to try something - terrified but I want to try it - I want to try no subs - starting tomorrow - Day 1 - I'll tell you how it went.

I love to move - it gives a fresh start. I liked this house but the mice problem alone is driving me nuts- that and every time we turn around because we have to park on the street one of our mirrors are getting knocked off. My kids can't play or ride their bikes because of the traffic - now we'll have a pool, two bathrooms (I keep saying that but I can't get enough of it - I love the fact that I can decorate TWO FUCKING BATHROOMS.) I already ordered sexytime stuff for our love den so he make wild passionate love to me with his big big thang. GOD is his dick so beautiful - when he bends me over like a dog and gives it to me I giggle with delight - when I cum I get goosebumps and he always gives me bruises everywhere from grabbing me so hard - he's so rough with me, Big bad cop likes to beat his babygirl. I am soooo in love. We had such a rough spot I really didn't know if we were going to make it but now things are better than ever.
Easter is this weekend and of course I went completely overboard with the kids spending a small fortune but I don't care - that's how I was treated as a child - like a little princess and it was just me and my sister so we were two little princesses - but I have a boy so it's prince and princess.
My girl is much stronger though, emotionally. I think with Jake I coddled him so much because he was my first and then when Jess came I just didn't have the time - because she's more independent - my son's a really mamma's boy, I am not complaining though, there will come a day when he will have his own woman. I just hope he doesn't get his heart broken. My daughter is going to be the heart breaker. My son...sigh...I worry deeply about him,
Work is going well - no complaints there. The best thing that ever happened to me was getting the boot from that God awful place I slaved at for 12 years only to slip into a real job...well, have to email pictures of my babies...have a good one - today has been a real good day - and I get depressed a lot so I count my blessings when I can
Love Love Love

all over the world - everything is the same - whatdaya'gonna do?? I wanna move - I want my book to sell not to make money as much as to let people see into my world - my life - as it was and is and the second book as it will be - I started reading the bible of all things...what is this world coming to???

I have had my babies and I have been as sick as a dog - Forensic Files is on in 10 minutes so this will be as short as the last one - I guess when I am sad I write the most - or too busy - as usual I am sad but I am also learning to really live my life without drugs and it's not so easy - it's like the wind gets knocked out of your sails or something - opiates gave to me the feeling the life was fabulous and wonderful - it was such a false high - when I look at pictures when I was at the peak of my addiction I look so fucking happy...and I was...but the problem is with opiates your tolerance gets so high - it's just a matter of time before heroin starts - but I have to say - man made opiates rock compared to heroin but then again, I never shot it so I am sure I don't know what I am talking about. But an 80 or two or three next to a few bags, there's no comparison - the oxy;s rock - they lasted forever - heroin is so brief and it's morphine which is a different component than what is in an oxy - GOD to get high off of three Percocetes - that was '96 my friends, so so long ago, 2001 is when the oxy's started and then briefly the heroin. I really found that it just made me nod alot - mix it with the oxys and maybe a methadone and that's a different story, couple v's and then some pot and you got yourself a date...boy do I miss staying up late with my drug buddy just getting high...I really really miss it...I guess I always will but for my kids I will stay away - not to mention that my drug buddy is in jail - the junkies still call but I stay away...I am  being good I cry ALL the time ALL the time...I don't know why, maybe all of it is finally coming out of my system but man do I feel feelings that I haven't felt in YEARS...and I feel so damn guilty about the kids...if they ever TOUCH hard drugs I'll go FUCKING BALLISTIC I mean, I will be able to tell and I will just go mad. I had friends who got high and it was the parents and three kids - in 1991 the son died at fucking 19 years old and then in 1992 the dad died of heroin at age 36, what a man, what a fucking man's man - but a dead man....a weak man but when you're young...you think so different. Boy, did he fuck my head up every which way til Sunday...him and his wife - I guess it's something I'll never get over..I often wondered how life would have veered had I never met them...I might not be as fucked up as I am today had it not been for them...the older I get the scarier the whole incident seemed...blood squirting on the ceiling 'cause he couldn't hit a vein and it was Christmas and Terry had stolen a doll and threw it in the closet because it wouldn't stop laughing and it just kept laughing and then we kept laughing but it was maniacal and not funny at all. But the blood and the doll at the time was so funny because I was so high and free and happy - and now I am wrapped in chains and don't know how to get out...

Each day brings new things
sadness
happiness
joy
heartache
I just want my children to be OK I worry so much about them. Please God, if you've ever done anything for me, and you've done an awful lot I admit, take care of my babies when they are not with me.
I wish I could change certain aspects of my past but I can't now. It's too late. It's just too late...

I love my new job but man do I miss my little angels so much...This is going to be hard to get used to. But we are moving soon to a nice little condo, LOVE the two bathroom idea - that rocks my world...my babies can decorate the one bathroom however they want.

On a different note I got banged so hard last night by J I thought his thang was going to come up through my throat. He makes everything better and not just physically - he makes me think on a cerebral level rather than with my heart so much - which has been my biggest downfall all of  my life - what people think of me, now, finally has no forebearing on my when for a long, long time it did. If someone looked at me the wrong way I would fall apart...now I could care less, all I care about are my  babies, and if I stay at this job long enough, both of them can go to college for free, talk about a perk!

Time for Forensics....

and my little Jessie hopped right on the Easter Bunnie's lap and got her picture taken - we had a lot of fun of course, spending, spending, spending, I think I owe 300.00 and then I am done - I cancelled ALL of my cards I just have one VISA and that's IT! WIth an VERY low limit - now that they're cancelled I can say I had access to about 70-80,000 worth of credit - is that unreal? I had used 26,000 and was spending more and more - it was getting ridiculous. I'll talk later I want to get that picture of Jessie - on the kids page,
Debbie

I still managed to get sick in the hospital - they are the dirtiest of places - the worst was seeing a mother go for a biopsy and knowing she has deadly cancer racing through her veins while she is smiling and laughing at us on the table - I almost cried - 50 years old - I COULD NOT be a doctor no fucking way - too emotional for me - I can barely take this part of the job - so so sad...
I can't wait until Friday I got my kids so many gifts I love spoiling  those little buggers rotten -sick as I am I am still going to get fucked very very hard tonight - My man - he is THE MAN

Now with her success and the affirmation of Quention Taratino's love of "Money Shot" by another stripper turned author will have every stripper wanting to turn blogsphere acclaimed into  a writing fantastico-memoir about her pussy to superstardom - God that sounds familiar - I want to read and see it all - Juno  - read Money Shot and do all the drugs in the world - but most of all I want my children to be happy and I miss them to the point of my heart aching. Those kids are the most special things that have ever happened to me - before them I really wanted to be a writer and thought for some reason Howard Stern would help me get me there when the exact opposite would turn out to be true - now I can't even listen to the guy. Yet I wrote the book The Bendendite Community in 1996 which is my best, probably even better than the Destroyer only because it came from God, not my experiences. Yet possibly the second half, Glock 17 and The Destroyer will come from God because  not too much of it will come from experience. I've never been a cop - only lived with one.
Forensic Files is on, sorry...gotta go...I love death

I'm not digging this new thing already - every weekend though it is gorgeous out - I love when the weather is like this...65-70 degrees, fabuloso!!! I am so glad I got this new job too!!!! I have to go I have to enjoy this beautiful weather..it is wonderful...I feel bad for those I left behind at 'the mill' they REALLY seem to be struggling. My time will come I'm sure - believe me- I don't get breaks in this life - I work and get knocked down as much as everyone else - but I get right the fuck back up - and that's what everyone should do - FUCK THEM! FUCK THEM ALL!

     We switched days - I get the kids Fri Sat and Sun and he gets them during the week because of school and because with my work schedule being so crazy it's impossible for me to get them at night. We wouldn't get home until 7 or 8 and then go right to bed and then wake up at 5 so I could be at work at 8? It's just too much when we move to condo in April  - the summer they'll have the pool I'll start having days off, etc, I am glad me and my ex could reach an agreement - I kept telling him lawyers are for suckers unless there is money involved.
    
     My kids were very very upset. When I had to get my daughter out of the car at "dad's" house she wouldn't get out so I hunkered down an in doing so these totally hot 80.00 shoes I got at Bare Feet on South Street I fell on my ass and she laughed and it broke the ice - I love to hear my Jess laugh - last night at 4 am I went to the bathroom and she cried Mommy, mommy, and I snuggled up to her and GOD I love the smell of her hair - the feel of her skin..(kids got game stop PS2 games - he - Ben Ten - her - Dora) All together I spent, with the jeans and ice cream - two hundered dollars in five minutes. It's so easy down there. I love South Street. I should have brought the kids in to meet Jeffrey, my man, er, girl...

     SO I am glad everything is working out but sad because my kids don't understand that time wise - they are in their day school 'til 5 and then go to bed at 9 - Mon to Thurs but come Friday they can hang as long as they want and I take them back Monday Morning so all in all I actually spend more time with them - my dad said it didn't make sense because I'll never get a break - I think it's great because besides fucking every night - I don't know what to do with myself anymore - I read - but my children are everything to me and I don't do drugs anymore so I have energy and all that...Life is so good right now I love shopping I spent at least 3-4,000.00 dollars on clothes in the last few months I'm looking good, professional and then my man gets to bang me every which way til Sunday in my slut outfits. GOD we're doing so good. I just love, love, love him and love the way he fucks me - most men cum soooo quick but he can go for EVER!!!
  
     Gotta go - there is a catalog in front of me and I must spend