I have not been high since February of 2008 - I am absolutely in a marvelous wonderful place - and I have to tell a story and if I can keep one person from losing it I will have done what I set out to...in my 20's I was mixed up and depressed all the time - I thought that I would stay like that forever and never find what I was looking for...when I had my heart broken at the age of 23 -if I get the time I will write the actually diary entry from when it happened I remember sitting in a snow storm in my Chevy Caprice Classic and wondering how I should end it...and I wasn't even really getting high then,.. I was just depressed...and this song by Duran Duran came on the radio when I was in  a hissy fit - mad, angry, wanting to die "Ordinary World" and every word fit so right that I swore one day I would find that ordinary world I vowed to find it - then I went to college and around 1995/96 I thought I had found it only to be let down time and time again - In 2001 and 2003 I had my children and while nothing made me happier - I had a bit of post partum depression and was still not quite where I wanted to be - my job sucked and the man I was with was not for me...I became heavily addicted to opiates...and lower I sank.
Then in 2004 - my daughter only 6 months old I met someone who I never thought I'd have any business being with, a cop - now I am not saying that a man is what is needed to turn one's life around, or a woman, whatever, but in my instance, his authority, his insistence that I stay straight and "fly right" - and eventually - everything was all right. It took a loooong time and hell absolute hell but I am finally here - in the ordinary world that I started craving in 1993 - it took 15 years but I've arrived and I will never go back - I am too wise and too HERE to go back...I will never touch a drug again - they do ruin one's life - they create chaos where there is none and depression where there is none.
I am lucky to have two beautiful healthy children a great job and a fantastic man....keep holding on...no matter where you are in life - don't give up - if I had - what a mistake and the beauty I would have missed out on - HANG IN THERE - life is short enough - don't cut it even further
HOPE

I turned 38 yesterday - I can not believe I am inching my way toward 40 - it seems surreal at best! My kids are doing good - we went to get their school supplies the other day - I got them everything they needed - my little girl is so cute with her Hannah Montana lunch box and tote bag - I don't even think she knows who she is...she's got a walkable cast on and she really moves with that thing - she gets it off in about a week - but she gets around and it hasn't stopped her from having a great summer - that's all I cared about...not to switch gears but I got a nice gift certificate from Vicki's Secret from J plus another great present that I can't go into detail so close to talking about my kids - suffice it to say it FILLED me with JOY....

my dad is slipping into alcoholic dementia which is painful to watch - falling all the time - freaking out for no reason - when I think back to my childhood and the wonderful times we had it breaks my heart - now that I have children he can't enjoy them...the little girl with cerebral palsy who was starved to death I pray every day that she is in a better place now and whoever the demons were who took care of her should fry in hell...how does the system let the dredges of society become "parents" and people who would really love and take care of a child have such trouble getting one? Abused systems...I am on my forensic quest to read every book in the universe that deals with gruesome crime -  I don't know why I am so fascinated by true crime - from the safety of my own bed I peer under the covers and read - knees knocking at the slightest bump in the night - esp. with J on night work...He fucked me twice last night - so good I'm sore LOVE IT - every pulsating sweaty breath of it!

Hi! I will fill in soon - I forgot this site existed for a minute - but I will never forget my friends out there - love you and I will talk soon - Jessie is getting her cast off soon...so I will be ecstatic!!!