I always have to go through hell to get to the next level...hell is back with a vengance - no I'm not getting high again - believe me, I saw a picture at the height of my heroin use - GOOD GOD I looked fucking terrible. I'm not going to lie - I will be 39 in August (19th - same as Coco Chanel, thank you very much) that freaks me out, a little, not that bad - I don't care about aging - I once stopped traffic - in my day I WAS the SHIT but I gained weight and, hey, I still get beeps, mostly because I have a great pair of tits but my ass isn't the shining star it once was - my stomach is out of control - but I still get beeps and looks - with the heroin I sure as hell didn't and looking at the picture I look disgusting - my face, it looked old and HIGH I mean WACKED - I was severely disturbed by that picture - now, this is the little small stuff, the window in my car is hanging out - well not hanging out but it's not on track and I'm afraid of driving down the freeway and it just shattering - I put it up as tight as I could - I aint worried about theft - I have full coverage and it's paid for - I PLEAD - steal this car!!! PLEEEASE!!! It'll never happen I want it too bad - anyway - no betsy has been good to me - it's just that the drivers side window went right off the bat and tom the mechanic said that the plastic used to hold that fucking electric window whatever (I am probably the only person in America that would KILL for just the old roll down windows - I DO NOT LIKE ELECTRIC - because something always happens to them  - always -  I like the roll downs - nothing can go wrong. Unless your getting a bag and someone shoots at your car (actually happened in 87 - me and a friend told this woman we needed her car to go to the bank which was a minute from the house, we come back 4 hours later with a shit load of coke and a car full of bullet holes, needless to say, we never got that car again - and she kept it a good while after-  it was a Le Sabre - member them???) Good car, THOSE windows never broke, ahem, Volkswagen - I thought Germans were made of steel??? Then since my dad kicked out this guy now he wants my attention all the time again - I don't have the energy = I'm doing the best I can. That's why I shop so much - it releases the tension - it's the only thing I have. Oh, I'm diggin' Lady GaGa yet I dislike announcing that - but it's true - she has caught my eye...So the window to my car breaks, a few pieces of good jewelry broke, I mean, really good pieces and other, strange, strange things that I can't even bring up here for reasons that are just that, personal reasons (Chirst I need some DEBBIE time - everyone's always picking at my brains, it gets tiresome - I don't want to explain myself all the time, I just want to shop and watch Hannah Montana and read Fashion magazines - that's about it...so as I began - something big is coming - I don't know what or when or if it's even good or bad - but it's coming and each time I go through a change -it kills me before I am reborn - I can't even imagine what it is that is coming my way- I am almost scared

when I had my drug problem every got in on it - because I'm honest and when financially, that's the ONLY reason I fixed it - I feel batter, have a LOT more money and should say oh life is so much more colorful without...unfortunately. I love opiates - to think and dream of their wonder is great - but then the tolerance - I have to remember the bad - tolerance - at one time 2 vicoden would get me high - HA! that turned to 8 bags of heroin a day! Wow, I just talked myself back into sobriety - I hated that feeling...the need - it's gone, I don't need anything and I am so much more attentive when I'm not buggim' - anyway, someone very close to me is now under it's spell and it's SO different for her - I threw in her face all the catch phrases she threw me "but it's different" she snivles - no it's not - sorry - it's the SAME for everyone in varying degrees - I could right more but it's late and I'm soooo tired I'm about to pass out - talk soon - a month hopefully sooner