and that was great - but I really want to do something - I want to rewrite TBC, which was my first novel, but the right way and get it published, the real way, self publishing is fine and I got a few books out but I really want to get to the point where the book would be on stands - and eventually just get paid for writing - every thing I ever wanted or needed in life I've always gotten - through one freakish form after the next BUT this is the ONE thing I haven't gotten - I really want to do this for a living - but I know there are problems with that too - for one - when you first start out - the bills aren't paid out of the goodness of someone's heart and there's also my kids - I have really good, inexpensive medical insurance and that is a bundle of cash in itself - I know - I was out of work for 5 months a few years back and I had to pay that COBRA shit - 800.00 a month????? I pay 100.00 a month for me and my kids now for way better insurance but when you're on your own, YOU"RE ON YOUR OWN....I am looking for a sign from above that something will help me out - I have TBC already written and typed - problem is it's almost like I'm a day late and a dollar short becayse it's a lot like True Blood and all those shows/books, etc, it's vampirish but I wrote it in 1996 - someone almost took it too but I was so fucked up on drugs then I didn't press the way I should have - it would be different now....other than that I have one very bored 6 year old that I have to play Go Fish with - hope I get a sign soon.

everything is all spinning again nothing is what it seems and I am SO depressed, THere's nothing I can do to bring myself out of this...nothing...everytime I go through this it's growth for the next level but after years and years and years I am as that song says "too much tripping and my soul's worn thin" very thin...