Just another Love TKO...wow - that's a set of pipes, huh?
     I read over my last entry and it's awful - I can't feel that way any longer - but how do I let go of that feeling? What do I do? I've always seemed to go through these deep depressions but I ALWAYS had myself...I  just  pray for guidance - at this point it's all I can do...

I hope that someday you come on this website and read because you certainly won't listen - that stopped LONG ago - when I reread this diary I can't believe what I went through- it ALL started that one night soo long ago - longer ago than even you think - I wanted something that someone else had because I thought that I wanted it too - only to learn that it was a pipe dream - just as my writing for the world seems like less and less a reality so does the hope that we could ever be what I "imagined" You lost hope - it was taken from you and I've exhausted myself trying to help you find your way or maybe like you said when I first met you,"I hope you can put up with me" I don't know if I can...I need a best friend - I had a best friend at one time but I didn't appreciate it and now I am left  stranded, in a horrible predicament - never able to get back what I stupidly threw away - I love you - but you can't love. And I need that - the love that you give just isn't enough - it's not enough to put up with being a caged bird...I always think of that Nancy Spungen title - Deborah, her mom wrote it...it's called "and I can't live this life anymore" and I can't...it's got to change it's little by little pushing me into another direction. I need a best friend...I love my children and they should be with theiir mother a lot more than they are - all of these things combined with the constant "jokes" that aren't funny at all...and the sad, so sad part is there's such a good person inside...you just don't see it..you feel as though you failed and in turn I am getting the backlash that I really don't deserve - I want to be happy, I am happy and thank God My self confidence is what it is, I only can imagine what you did to the other one...life is so strange but I am a survivor,,,and it's time for another chapter - I think back - a few of the years were good - the first one was so good it's what keeps me here - waiting for that happy go lucky joking guy that told me lies...all lies...and I can't live this life anymore...

PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

I have two beautiful children...thank God for them. I thought I met the love of my life but the life seems to have left my love...he'll never be able to recover..so it's just me...I've never been so lonely in my entire life...always depressed - a little sunshine once in a great while - but I haven't seen that sun in a LOOONG TIME - I am just so depressed I don't know how much more I can take - at least when I was on drugs I had the drugs - they made me happy...and thinner...anyway, I dom't know what to do anymore - I've lost my ability to even write - my greatest passion - it always kept me moving - this depression has been for a long time now...too long I can't remember when I was really happy- when? maybe 2 years ago there was a brief glimpse - but nothing since then, just one diappointment after the next - and this page seems to be my person calling to God to help me - guide me - because I can't live like this much longer...I am totally totally sad - why was I given this life? Like my dad who sits day after day - just waiting for death - I wanted to avoid that but I already am dead - I work and don't sleep, work and don't sleep...it's gotta end it can't last like this - how can it last like this?How Why - Why didn't I stay at the Walnut Street Theatre in 1989 - the teacher knew I had excellent  potentional but I was going out with a control freak who destroyed my dreams....hmmm....